A Recipe For A Miserable Marriage

Here are some surefire ways to sabotage a marriage:

• Stay committed to your right to be right. Argue for your point of view, making sure you never entertain the possibility that your spouse may have a valid point of view.
  

SOLUTION: Often in a marriage, there is a choice: You can be right or you can be happy, but not both. Choose wisely. As a friend of mine said after his first year of marriage: “I finally figured out that the sun will come up tomorrow if we do it her way.”

• Make it up as you go along. Don’t talk about any of the important stuff, such as how you want to handle children, money, the future, in-laws, where to live, etc. Believe things will just work out.

SOLUTION: Talk about the important stuff. If you get stuck, ask or hire someone to help. Crate a relationship vision by asking the question “If we could have it exactly like we want, how would it be?” Build from there.

• Never forgive. Remain convinced that staying angry will actually help your partner change.

SOLUTION: Forgive as much as more than you would like to be forgiven. Forgiveness can release you from the pain of the offense.

• Complain and criticize. A lot. Raise it to an art form. Make sure that each and every time your spouse messes up, you not only throw the current issue in his or her face but also bring up every mistake ever made, in detail

SOLUTION: Celebrate what you want to see more of. Appreciation can go a long way.

• Always put yourself first. Selfishness is a sure and rapid marriage killer. Believe that the marriage exists to meet your needs. Become offended when your needs are not met.

SOLUTION: This is radical, but it works. Commit to out-serving your partner. If one of you does this, it can be nice. If both of you do this, you’ll create a great place to be.

• Compare your partner to others. “I wish you were more like (whomever)” worked so well when your parents said it to you; surely it will work on your spouse.

SOLUTION: Create an environment where your spouse can grow to his or her full potential. Focus on strengths and encourage your mate in the areas in which he or she struggles.

• Believe that because you know how to talk, you also know how to communicate. If someone does not understand you, it must be his or her fault. They even might be stupid.

SOLUTION: Two sentences: “What I think you’re saying is… did I miss anything? And “Please, tell me what you think I just said.”

• Blame your partner for any problems. Get your friends and relatives to see it your way.

SOLUTION: In 20 years of doing marriage counselling, I’ve yet to see a problem that didn’t have two sets of fingerprints all over it. Take responsibility to change your contribution to the problem, whether it’s what you are doing or how you are responding to what your partner is doing.

• If things are not going well, refuse to get help. Hold onto the notion that you can solve this all by yourself.

SOLUTION: Everybody needs a coach. Go find one. It’s a lot less expensive than divorce, financially and emotionally.

Source: Recipe for a Miserable Marriage, by Jeff Herring (a marriage and family therapist and clinical hypnotherapist in Tallahassee, Fla.