Important Life Skills to Teach our Kids

Life skills cannot be learned overnight, or even a year. These are life's essentials that we can teach our kids through experience, and as they grow each given day. As parents, we have to take advantage of learning opportunities through small moments and things.

According to Christine Field's book - Life Skills for Kids: Equipping Your Child for the Real World, here are the life skills that our tots need to learn:


DOING HOUSEHOLD CHORES
Key Lessons: ability to assume responsibility, coping/self management skills

• don't simply tell them to clean their room, demonstrate them how to do it.
• provide them with labeled or color coded storage bins so packing away and organizing toys can be made easy.
• teaching kids to help with household isn't just about getting chores done but serves the greater purpose of letting them take charge, allowing them to feel that they contribute significantly to the household, and teaching them about responsibility along the way.
  

HANDLING PLAYTIME SQUABBLES
Key Lessons: communication, interpersonal relations, negotiating and refusal skills, empathy building

If you see your kids fighting over a toy, stand back. Reserve your mediating prowess and let them try to work things out on their own first. however, observing them to become too hostile or physical towards each other, means time to intervene and ask them to explain what the quarrel is all about ONE AT A TIME so that they'll see the effectiveness of taking one's turn and hearing the other person out.

PARTICIPATING IN GROUP PROJECTS
Key Lessons: cooperation, teamwork, communication, interpersonal skills

• propose a family project to give your kids the opportunity to see home teamwork, cooperation, and harmony in diverse skills are needed to meet a common goal. For example, ask them to work on a family scrapbook and let them delegate tasks among themselves.
• Acknowledge your kids with their participation and encourage them as well of ways to be pro-active.
  

SELF CARE
Key Lessons: coping/self management skills, ability to take on responsibility

• teach them the importance of taking a bath, brushing their teeth, clipping their nails and cleaning their ears - especially on their own. Discuss the consequences of skipping these routines.
• show them how to prepare simple snacks like sandwich or make themselves a glass of juice. Then, show them how to clean up after themselves when they have finished eating: putting back the bread in the bread basket, bringing the used dishes to the sink.

MAKING CHOICES
Key Lessons: decision making, critical thinking skills

• brainstorm pros and cons with them in every possible situation and explain the consequences of their choices so they can reach a sound decision.
• parents can ask questions that prompt their kids to think and decide autonomously. (Would you like to help mommy set the table or water the plants with daddy?)

BEING THE HANDY TYKE
Key Lessons: problem solving

• showing your kids how to do some handy works teaches them that they can fix things on their own. Basic problem-solving skills are instilled as kids eventually learn to evaluate consequences of present actions and determine alternative solutions to the problem.
• kids may be too young to handle basic carpentry or garden tools, but by showing them that you are willing to do some gardening or simple carpentry, you are already inspiring them to want to someday be the family "handy hyke", who can sew their own buttons, glue together broken robot parts, or do routine maintenance on their bicycle.

HOLDING THE PURSE STRINGS
Key Lessons: critical thinking, coping/self management skills

• with proper guidance, kids learn to work out a budget, plan for savings, or stay out of debt by buying within their means.
• give them little allowances and allow them to decide how to spend it.
• when kids are empowered, it encourages a can-do attitude, which makes them strive to do things better.

MANAGING THEIR TIME AND SPACE
Key Lessons: coping/self management skills, stress management

• educate your kids on how to use clocks and calendars, and how the changes in season affect everyday living can help them value time.
• draw up daily schedule with your kids where they can clearly see how a day is broken down into hours. Ask them which activity should be done first, next, and last -- this serves as their first brush with the concept of prioritizing.
  

Raising Money-Smart Kids

In order for kids to develop wise spending habits and to know the value of a day's wage later on as adults, it is important to teach them at an early age. Parents can start explaining money matters to their kids as soon as the little ones are able to speak.

So how can we teach and actually help them to be money-wise kids? Here are some tricks that I have read in Imelda Aznar's article "Money Smart Kids"


TEACH THEM TO SAVE ON ALL RESOURCES, NOT JUST MONEY.
Constant reminders to our kids to conserve water or to save electricity would impress upon them that saving on these things will also help mom and dad to save money for the household.

ESTABLISH A PESO-TO-PESO SAVINGS PROGRAM.
Match your child's savings for peso (or 50 centavos for every peso saved). It doesn't only help your child's savings to grow quickly, it's also a powerful incentive to encourage them to save regularly.

SET UP FAMILY PIGGY BANK.
Have a goal and save it as a family - say, a summer trip to the beach.

WHEN GIVING THEM MONEY, GIVE IT IN DENOMINATIONS THAT ENCOURAGE SAVING.
For example, if you are giving them P100, give 5 P20 bills and encourage them to save at least P20

DISSUADE THEM FROM BORROWING MONEY FROM FRIENDS.
Teach them instead to buy only the necessary things. If they are old enough to understand the concept of paying interest, charge interest on small loans you give them so they can quickly learn how expensive it is to "rent" someone else's money.

USE BOOKS, GAMES, AND MUSIC.
These are products in the market today that teach little children about money and saving. Such books include as Lucky The Golden Goose by John Wren or Tops and Bottoms by Janet Stevens. There are also board games, like Junior Monopoly, Moneywise Kids, Payday and the Allowance Game, and simulation toys like cash registers and ATM machines.

ENCOURAGE THEM TO GIVE TO CHARITY.
Teach your kids to set aside a portion of their money for charity. It's a great way to teach them about sharing and compassion towards others.

KEEP A MONEY JOURNAL.
You can encourage your kids to keep a journal that features all her goals (with pictures), savings plan, or expense summary.

"I Won Mom!"

It has been 2 weeks since my eldest received a game board from his grandpa. It was the Snakes And Ladders that I and my 2 brothers used to play with when we were younger. Although the colors on board were bit faded, Lolo Tatay (that's how my eldest call his grandpa) preferred to simply purchase new tokens and dice for replacements rather than buying a new one. He wanted to instill the value of "valuing valuable possessions" by example to my eldest that's why.

Simple as it was, my boy's so excited to learn the game and play with daddy and I (well, with my youngest on my lap) for practice. Knowing that Lolo Tatay would drop by next weekend (or us to his place), he wanted to show him that he already mastered the game rules when they play together.

On their first game, my kid was so confident to win. He seem befriended with the dice! He took advantage of the ladders for about three times and Lolo Tatay never landed on any ladder through out the game. Unfortunately, on my son's supposedly "for the win" turn, he landed on the 98th square -- where he was "bitten" by the snake, and went back on the 78th space. So upset, my 4 year old did not finish the game and cried.

Lolo Tatay pacified him, and patiently explained that it was just a game. That sometimes, he may win, sometimes he wont. The important thing was that he played fair, and enjoyed as well. Lolo Tatay added that if he would agree to play again with him and this time with daddy, each win will enable him a "ticket" to choose between an "arcade pass" for a play in an arcade on next weekend, or a "toy store pass" for a chance to choose a toy he wanted on next weekend, provided it's a hundred pesos or less. If he lose but manage to stay on the game and reach the end of the board, he would still be allowed for a "food pass " -- a chance to choose ice cream or chocolate bar or chips to eat for merienda.

While I was in the kitchen preparing our meryenda, I heard him shouting with joy while heading my way.

"I won mom!"

I excitedly asked him, "So what did you choose son, the arcade or the toy store pass?"

"I won a food pass mom! I want a chocolate bar! Can I have 2? One's for baby brother. If he can already play, I'll tell him to finish the game first before I will give him his food pass."

I saw the happiness in my son's eyes. And truly, that glimpse brought so much joy to my heart as well. I knew, more than the "pass", he learned a very valuable lesson of life and living. He may not know the deeper price he had gained from the game for now, but in time, he would.

Before going home, I hugged my father a little tighter than I used to. Just to convey my warm thank you for being a wonderful dad to me and my brothers, and a loving Lolo Tatay to my kids. And of course, a kiss on the chicks to end the precious day...

I love you Tatay... We Love you so dearly...

Our Little "Helpers" on Housework

Getting the entire family to help with housework can be quite challenging. But teaching our kids the importance of cooperation and the effects of doing or not doing his/her own tasks is essential because in this way, we can inculcate to them the sense of self-responsibility.

Here are some tips on making our little "helpers" work more organized.


MAKE A LIST OR CHART OF TO-DOS.
Either assign or ask volunteers for different tasks. You may also create job charts that kids can check out for their respective tasks. Color-code your charts just like teachers do in school. Organize tasks and prioritize what to accomplish daily, weekly, or monthly. Set a time frame.

SET UP A FAMILY COUNCIL ON WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE, AND WHY.
Point out why everybody benefits from doing chores together. Give pep talks on why everyone needs to help out. Find out what interests each family member. If one enjoys cooking, then assign it to that child.

GIVE AGE-APPROPRIATE TASKS.
Chores should increase in difficulty as the child gets older. Younger children have poor fine motor skills, so don't assign tasks requiring small-muscle coordination. A toddler could be trained to pack away toys, and older kids to wash the rice for dinner.

PUT FUN INTO HOUSE CHORES.
Play a game of cleaning up. You may have two baskets ready for kids to separate the white and colored clothes into. Ask children to pair socks off in a same/different game while singing. Try color-coding hangers, letting kids categorize the clothing to be hung.

GIVE PRAISE AND REWARD.
Recognize the effort of everyone who helps out. This builds self-esteem and motivates them to do their best. Provide a family day-off treat if they manage to keep th house spic and span.


Truly, teaching values to our kids is best when started off young. At the end of the day, let's just remember that our housework "helpers" are still "little" so set realistic expectations for what has to be accomplished by each member. Perfection takes practice and practice takes time.


Source: an excerpt from "Cinderella Moms", written by Alice Bustos Orosa of Smart Parenting

Teaching Our Kids To Buy Their Needs, Not Their Wants

With more purchasing power given to children nowadays, parents need to inculcate the correct consumer habit to their kids during their formative years. Otherwise, it will be hard to correct misguided consumer behavior later on. Parents should not underestimate their kids. Kids nowadays respond surprisingly well to financial boundaries and rules if these are introduced early. If parents can explain clearly to their kids why they cannot have a certain item, they can understand why.

Parents can do a lot of ways to teach their kids become responsible consumers and buyers -- buying only things that they need, not what they want.

HELP YOUR CHILD DETERMINE WHETHER OR NOT SHE REALLY NEEDS THE TOY OR ITEM.

Explain to your child that shopping is not a hobby. It is something we do when we need something important. Remind her of the times she went ballistic over a certain item then simply did not want to play with it anymore one day.


ACKNOWLEDGE THE DESIRE.
In children's minds, a fancy dancing doll or a pair of cool new sneakers is a way for them to fit in with their friends or impress their classmates. Try not to be flippant when you say no, yet careful in acknowledging their desire for an object. Say "Yes, that does look like a good pair of shoes," while preparing them for possible disappointment, "But your sneakers now haven't worn out yet. We need to spend on things that you really need. Maybe next time, when we have extra cash."


STAY FIRM.
Sometimes, it is hard to say no, but parents have to stay firm. If your child finds that a particular tactic works, he'll do it again and again, and you will get stuck with a whining child every time you set foot in a mall. He has to learn the value of waiting or working for something he wants.


HELP THEM EARN THE ITEM THEY WANT TO BUY.
Giving a few extra pesos for doing simple chores like cleaning their room or helping groom the dog trains them to work for something they want. With kids who are not in school yet, you have to set a specific goal -- like when their money reaches a certain amount, they can buy the toy they want. That way, children see where the money they have earned is going.


SHOW THE OTHER SIDE OF LIFE.
Bring your child to places such as an orphanage where kids don't have the privilege of owning toys. Let her share her old toys to help her appreciate what she has.


TALK TO YOUR CHILD'S TEACHER ABOUT HER NEW TOY CRAVING.
Your child's teacher can help reinforce the lesson you are trying to teach. If the child thinks that it is not allowed by mommy, and is not also allowed by teacher, then, it is not really allowed.


SPEND MORE QUALITY TIME WITH YOUR CHILD.
This will dramatically lessen your child's demand for toys. Parents must try to spend more time with their kids, not more money with them. What kids really want and need is time with their parents, not more consumer goods


Source: Pester Power by Maan Pamaran of Smart Parenting

Helping Our Children To Be Positive Despite Problems

Just a year ago, one of the most tragic news reported in both print and broadcast media was the suicide of a 12-year old female child in one of our country's provinces. Allegedly, she ended her life by hanging herself in their home. It was also reported that she had a lot of scribbles in her school notebooks, telling mostly her feelings towards hardships and poor living thus wanting to end her life. Despite her young age, her awareness and experiences of life struggles, problems and pains, are the key points on why she allegedly committed suicide.

A good social support system in the family and an optimistic world-view are the two strongest weapons that we can equip our children to guide them in becoming a more positive individual despite problems, thus their weapon too against suicide (or even attempts). We can develop these through the following habits:

OFFER SUPPORT. Only in being present in your children's lives can you show that you are truly available for them. Make it known to them that you are there when they need you. For working parents, setting aside a reasonable and predictable time when you can be present for your children may be advisable.

BE ATTUNED. Attune yourself to the reactions and moods of your children. This will enable you to give emotional support when they most need it.

ENHANCE SELF-ESTEEM. Develop a positive self-esteem by praising your children and letting them know that you appreciate them. Show them that they have resources to solve simple problems, so that they are encouraged to try out more difficult ones.

THINK POSITIVE. Look at things from the bright side at all times. Instead of seeing the glass to be half-empty, think of it as being half-full. Model this way of thinking with your kids.

SEARCH FOR THE SILVER LINING. Constantly look for the silver lining to every dark cloud that comes your way. It could be a lesson learned or the presence of a good friend. Anything that makes the burden lighter is always good.

HOPE, FAITH AND TRANSCENDENCE. Nurture hope and transcendence in your child. Even the most terrible of tragedies can offer some glimmer of something better in the near future. This is where faith in something beyond us can be very helpful.

Great Fun, Less Cost

Here are some tips and tricks from real moms on how to have a family fun time together on a budget.


FIND A CHEAP SPOT.

Lessen mall outings. If it has been a once a week malling for the whole family, you may just have it once a month and have some cheaper, but still fun alternatives. You may take the kids to a beach instead, where entrance fee is cheaper, bring your own food and drinks, and spend the whole morning till lunch at the beach.

DINE OUT.

You do not have to go to the restaurant to eat out. You can dine out -- al fresco! You may set up a table and chairs in the garden for dinner under the stars. To add up a little coziness, you may set up a gazebo in the garden and have dinner with the whole family.

ENJOY THE OUTDOORS.

Your family may also go to a vacant lot near a mall to play ball or badminton for free. Similarly, you may also go biking in a park with the kids.


PREMIUM ON STORYTELLING TIME.

Revive the tradition of storytelling -- it does not cost much and it enriches young minds. In addition to reading fairy tales and children's books, you can also share true stories of yourself, your partner, the kid's grandparents, and other close relatives.

"Honey, I Wanted Our Relationship To Work"

Who wanted a failed marriage? Who dreamt for a miserable partnership?

From the very moment we decided to spend the rest of our lives with our partner, we committed ourselves to a life long journey... Of course, roads aren't always smooth. And there'll always be tough times. But being a wife (or a husband) and being a parent as well, we are not only living to benefit our own but twined our life for the ones we love.


So why not try the following ways to keep our partnership successful and harmonious.

• Have a 5:1 ratio or five positive interactions to one negative moment.

• Show interest in what your partner is saying; try out some of his/her interest though it may not be totally in your field.

• Be affectionate. Have many moments of tenderness and physical affection.

• Show you care. Show random acts of thoughtfulness.
  

• Be appreciative. Think fondly of your partner and the positive moments in your past.

• Show concern, especially when your partner is distressed or worried. Be there for her/him.

• Be empathetic by genuinely matching your partner's feelings.

• Be accepting. Respect your differences and disagreements.

• Joke around. Having private jokes and being goofy with each other helps.

• Share your joy. Let your partner know you are having a good time.

Are You Blocking Effective Communication?

In our relationships within the family, strong feelings can make it difficult to keep steady, healthy communication. Strong emotion also makes it difficult for us to listen effectively and to stay on the course of understanding the other person. Strong emotion can aggravate the fight or flight response and make us become, at the moment, self-protective and self-centered.

Dr. Dale Simpson, a licensed psychologist practicing from Christian perspective, stated in his article "MOM & DAD, ARE YOU BLOCKING EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION?", that, there are a number of blocks to effective communication we must overcome.

ADVICE: Advice is best used when it is asked for and after showing understanding of the person. In fact, most people will not ask for advice if they do not feel understood. Many of us assume that when a person shares feelings, we are being asked for advice and that telling people what they need to do is the primary goal of the encounter. This is rarely the case and rarely what the other person needs.

CRITICISM/JUDGMENT: Criticism and judgment come from strong emotion that we are not managing effectively. Ask yourself what happens if you feel criticized by someone else. Defenses usually go up and openness to the information goes down.

USE OF ABSOLUTE WORDS: Words such as “never” and “always” exaggerate inflamed emotions. Absolute words often hide the truth since rarely is it the case that something ever happens or always happens. It is much better to say “frequently I feel ignored” rather than “you never listen to me.”

TWENTY QUESTIONS: Some people confronted with an issue ask one question after another, trying to get to the facts or uncover who is to blame. This strategy does not work well and should be avoided. A question or two that follows the acknowledgment of the person’s emotion in order to sincerely try to understand is the best strategy. “You must be really upset with Mrs. Johnson, your Sunday School Teacher. What sort of thing happened today?” would be a well-placed question after the acceptance of the emotion.

TALKING TOO MUCH ABOUT OURSELVES: Often when someone shares something in a conversation, the other person says something like “Oh yeah, I felt that way back in 1990” and they tell you their experience. Taking the attention off the other person and drawing it onto us is a communication stoper if it is done right after an initial sharing.

USING “YOU” STATEMENTS: Starting a sentence with “you” unless it is said I an empathetic way like “you must really feel sad” tends to be a blame and marshals defensiveness. Avoid “you” statements and be sure you use “I feel” statements. These “I” statements are not selfish but offer information rather than blame.

BODY LANGUAGE: A closed or disinterested posture can communicate far more than one realizes. Be sure when you are listening or responding to someone that you square your shoulders to him and give him reasonable eye contact. Researchers say that far more is communicated through intonation and body language than through the actual words themselves.

MIND READING AND PLAYING PSYCHOLOGIST: It is important to think about why people say and feel what they do, but it is usually unwise to make interpretations of motive early in the conversation. “You’re just saying that to get back at me” or “You’ve been angry at men ever sine your dad left your mother” could possibly be true statements, but quite ineffective at communicating.

DEFENSIVE REACTIONS: The fear of failure and the natural tendency to blame others keeps us pursuing not the truth but what tickles our ears and pleases us. Often we just don’t want to face ourselves and this destroys ongoing communication when we need to face something.

“WHEN I WAS A KID, I WALKED 5 MILES THROUGH THE SNOW” STORIES: Every generation relates from their own perspective and explaining how it was in your generation will not necessarily solve a problem for this generation.

Take time now to commit to changing one thing in your communication to make it more person- oriented and less problem oriented. Tell someone in the family what you are working on and ask him/her to watch for changes. Mutual accountability will help you back up the desire to change. And besides, you need someone to cheer for you when you say it right.

Disciplining Boo-Boos

It's true that as parents, we only want the best for our kids. We want them to grow as better individuals and a disciplined person. But sometimes, our children's naughtiness push our buttons and we end up doing things we often later regret. By being aware of the dont's, we can try to omit them from future interactions with our children.


CRITICIZING OUR CHILD'S CHARACTER
It is ok to say "I get very angry when you do that", but never add, "Don't be so stupid!"


GIVING LENGTHY LECTURES
Keep your explanations of the guidelines or why their behavior is unacceptable short, simple, and to the point.


PLEADING
"Please clean up your toys. It would really make my day" doesn't cut it. Keep personal pronouns and your feelings out of your requests. "It's time to clean up. When you're done, come downstairs for snacks, please".


MISTAKING AN ACCIDENT FOR DELIBERATE BEHAVIOR
Know the difference between an accident and aggressive behavior, and discipline only the latter.


HAVING UNREASONABLE EXPECTATIONS
It is unfair to think that a two year old can sit quietly at the dinner table for an hour. Understanding your child's emotional development and what is developmentally appropriate will help you distinguish unbecoming behavior from a lack of social skills or simple curiosity.

Is Your Child Disciplined? (Embracing Basic Guidelines)

It may be true that disciplining a child nowadays is more difficult, but guiding and teaching our children to be disciplined individuals is our commitment as their parents. Perhaps, concentrating on the basic discipline guidelines is something essential to be more effective in teaching our kids.


SETTING LIMITS
Although kids of all ages naturally push the limits to see if they can get away with a bit more, they need to know where to stop. Whether it is a physical limit (like watching tv only for a certain period of time), or an action limit (not pushing, or hitting), setting limits is the first step to a disciplined child.


BEING CONSISTENT
Parents must be consistent in setting guidelines. Though it is really difficult to be perfectly consistent on rules, we should be reasonably consistent in maintaining limits in order to help children know what to expect. So if it is not alright to stand on furnitures in your house, then it is not also okay to stand on Grandma's furnitures. If it needs to impose punishments, a lighter and consistent one is more effective than waiting until anger builds and enacting an overwhelming penalty.


MODELING GOOD BEHAVIOR
As parents, we are very powerful in our kid's lives, more than we ever know. So it is important that parents become good models for good kinds of copying.


PARENTS PRESENTING A UNITED FRONT
Children are less likely to try and push and bend the rules when parents are united in their approach to discipline. Obviously one should never unite with an abusive parent. But if two reasonable parents have differences in how to raise their children, it's extremely important that they compromise and discuss their differences away from their children.

Building Self-Confidence and Self-Worth to a Child

Being mothers, we play a great role in raising our kids with confidence and self-worth. From “I’ll be the parent, you be the kid” by Paul Kropp, he has pointed out the following guidelines on how parents can help their kids in building confidence and self-worth.


IN BUILDING SELF-CONFIDENCE

• Include your child in what you're doing. Let the child yearn from experience. Remember that not every nail in the deck has to be straight.
• Don’t set the hurdles too high – kids must learn to build a bird-house before they tackle a grandfather clock.
• Don’t rescue too soon – give your child a chance to feel honest frustration first.Make sure there are challenges outside the home – Scouts, swimming teams, music lessons.
• Within reason, praise the final results. When you can see in your children’s eyes that they think something is good, put it up on the metaphorical fridge.

IN HELPING THEM DEVELOP A REALISTIC SENSE OF SELF-WORTH

• Pay attention to what your child does and says – you don’t necessarily have to agree, but you do have to listen.
  
• Find plenty of time to work together on projects, keeping the child’s abilities in mind.
  
• Remember that activity and success build the self, not false praise.

A Recipe For A Miserable Marriage

Here are some surefire ways to sabotage a marriage:

• Stay committed to your right to be right. Argue for your point of view, making sure you never entertain the possibility that your spouse may have a valid point of view.
  

SOLUTION: Often in a marriage, there is a choice: You can be right or you can be happy, but not both. Choose wisely. As a friend of mine said after his first year of marriage: “I finally figured out that the sun will come up tomorrow if we do it her way.”

• Make it up as you go along. Don’t talk about any of the important stuff, such as how you want to handle children, money, the future, in-laws, where to live, etc. Believe things will just work out.

SOLUTION: Talk about the important stuff. If you get stuck, ask or hire someone to help. Crate a relationship vision by asking the question “If we could have it exactly like we want, how would it be?” Build from there.

• Never forgive. Remain convinced that staying angry will actually help your partner change.

SOLUTION: Forgive as much as more than you would like to be forgiven. Forgiveness can release you from the pain of the offense.

• Complain and criticize. A lot. Raise it to an art form. Make sure that each and every time your spouse messes up, you not only throw the current issue in his or her face but also bring up every mistake ever made, in detail

SOLUTION: Celebrate what you want to see more of. Appreciation can go a long way.

• Always put yourself first. Selfishness is a sure and rapid marriage killer. Believe that the marriage exists to meet your needs. Become offended when your needs are not met.

SOLUTION: This is radical, but it works. Commit to out-serving your partner. If one of you does this, it can be nice. If both of you do this, you’ll create a great place to be.

• Compare your partner to others. “I wish you were more like (whomever)” worked so well when your parents said it to you; surely it will work on your spouse.

SOLUTION: Create an environment where your spouse can grow to his or her full potential. Focus on strengths and encourage your mate in the areas in which he or she struggles.

• Believe that because you know how to talk, you also know how to communicate. If someone does not understand you, it must be his or her fault. They even might be stupid.

SOLUTION: Two sentences: “What I think you’re saying is… did I miss anything? And “Please, tell me what you think I just said.”

• Blame your partner for any problems. Get your friends and relatives to see it your way.

SOLUTION: In 20 years of doing marriage counselling, I’ve yet to see a problem that didn’t have two sets of fingerprints all over it. Take responsibility to change your contribution to the problem, whether it’s what you are doing or how you are responding to what your partner is doing.

• If things are not going well, refuse to get help. Hold onto the notion that you can solve this all by yourself.

SOLUTION: Everybody needs a coach. Go find one. It’s a lot less expensive than divorce, financially and emotionally.

Source: Recipe for a Miserable Marriage, by Jeff Herring (a marriage and family therapist and clinical hypnotherapist in Tallahassee, Fla.

Children and Watching TV

Time spent watching television takes away from important activities such as reading, school work, playing, exercise, family interaction, and social development. Children also learn information from television that may be inappropriate or incorrect. They are influenced by the thousands of commercials seen each year, may of which are for alcohol, junk foods, fast foods, and toys. Children who watch a lot of television are likely to:

• Have lower grades in school
• Read fewer books
• Exercise Less
• Being overweight
  

Violence, sexuality, race and gender stereotypes, drug and alcohol abuse are common themes of television programs. Young children are impressionable and may assume that what they see on television is typical, safe, and acceptable. As a result, television also exposes children to behaviors and attitudes that may be overwhelming and difficult to understand.

Active Parenting can ensure that children have a positive experience with television. Parents can help by:

• Viewing programs with your children
  
• Selecting developmentally appropriate shows
  
• Placing limits on the amount of television viewing (per day and per week)
  
• Turning off the tv during family meals and study time
  
• Turning off shows you don’t feel are appropriate for your child. In addition, parents can also help by doing the following:
  
• Don’t allow children to watch long blocks of TV, but help them select individual programs.
  
• Choose shows that meet the developmental needs of your child. Children shows on public TV are appropriate, but soap operas, adult sitcoms, and adult talk shows are not.
  
• Set certain periods when the television will be off. Study times are for learning, not for sitting in front of the TV doing homework. Meal times are a good tie for family members to talk with each other, not for watching television.
  
• Encourage discussions with your children about what they are seeing as you watch shows with them. Point out positive behavior, such as cooperation, friendship, and concern for others.
  
• While watching, make connections to history, books, place of interest, and personal events.
  
• Talk about your personal and family values as they are watching with real events.
  
• Talk about the realistic consequences of violence.
• Discuss the role of advertising involved in hobbies, sports, and peers.
  

With proper guidance, your child can learn to use television in a healthy and positive way.

Awareness: DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

As mothers, it is as always a natural feeling for us to be so protective of our family. We are always at hand to provide them with love, care and affection. If any of our love ones get hurt, it is us who are hurt even more. As much as we wanted to give the most comfortable environment to our family, it is also our duty to give ourselves the same comfort. Otherwise, we can’t give so much of what we don’t have.

Was there any instance that we felt violated? Was there a time that we felt that we hadn’t received the respect from anyone at home? Has there been a time that our self-respect and self-confidence are somewhat shaken by anybody close? Was there a time that we felt that we are domestically violated?

Having reflections on this matter, it would be essential to shed ourselves more by some facts on DOMESTIC VIOLENCE as follows:

United Nations Declaration on the Elimination of Violence Against Women defined “Violence Against Women (VAW)” as: "any act of gender-based violence that results in, or is likely to result in, physical, sexual or psychological harm or suffering to women, including threats of such acts, coercion or arbitrary deprivation of liberty, whether occurring in public or in private life."


VAW is categorized, but is not limited to the following:

• Physical, sexual and psychological violence occurring in the family, including battering, sexual abuse of female children in the household, marital rape, female genital mutilation and other traditional practices harmful to women, non-spousal violence and violence related to exploitation.
• Violence occurring within the general community, including rape, sexual abuse, sexual harassment and intimidation at work, in educational institutions and elsewhere, trafficking in women and forced prostitution.
• Violence perpetrated or condoned by the State, wherever it occurs.
  

There are different FORMS OF ABUSE. These are as follows:

• Physical Violence - any physical action toward another person (pushing, hitting, whipping, throwing, slapping and spanking) can produce bruises, broken homes and broken lives. When another human being hits a person, it is demeaning, it is a message of worthlessness and the victim may think, “I’m no good; hence, I deserve to be hit.” It creates tremendous burden on the person’s ability to cope with life.
• Emotional Violence - is far more than the usual cursing, blaming, threatening and manipulating. It is putting her down or making her feel bad about herself. Its scars go deep as physical wounds and actually take longer to heal. This is not directly observable but can have long-lasting effects on the personality of the victim.
  
• Verbal Abuse- Can become a prison, a humiliation and deprivation; conversations that tear down self-esteem; calling her names.
• Economic Abuse- trying to keep her from getting or keeping a job; making her ask for money; giving her allowance; taking her money; controlling the financial aspects of the family.
• Sexual Abuse- making her do sexual acts against her will; marital rape; forcing unwanted and sadistic sexual acts; treating her as a sex object; physically attacking the sexual parts of her body; making demeaning and sexually suggestive remarks. These would mean Rape, Sexual Harassment, or Incest.
  

Violence can be repetitive or can be a never ending CYCLE. There is a sort of a pattern that tends to occur when violence is part of the couples interaction. Such pattern consists of several phases:

• Tension Building Stage - A phase where tension builds up in a relationship and the couple cannot overcome by talking it out. One partner controls and dominates the situation while the victim (usually the woman) is frightened to do anything and is eventually powerless to prevent a violent outburst.
• Violent Outburst/Battering Incident - Violence may not always be physical. It may involve extreme physical harm to the victim, or emotional scarring which is not visible to the casual observer. The batterer (usually the man) justifies his behavior as teaching the victim a lesson.The victim usually has no control of the outburst-only a safe hiding place. She may even deny seriousness to appease the batterer and to end the abuse.
• Pursuit Phase/Honeymoon Stage- They abuser may feel remorse or sorrow for his behavior and may be fearful that his partner will leave him. He attempts to recover lost ground by asking forgiveness, giving presents, making promises about the future and modifying his behavior.
• When forgiveness has been sought, it may be a time of great closeness for the couple. However, given the problems of daily life, tension will rise again and may gradually lead them back to the build-up phase and the cycle begins again.

Source: femalebattle.net