Are You Blocking Effective Communication?

In our relationships within the family, strong feelings can make it difficult to keep steady, healthy communication. Strong emotion also makes it difficult for us to listen effectively and to stay on the course of understanding the other person. Strong emotion can aggravate the fight or flight response and make us become, at the moment, self-protective and self-centered.

Dr. Dale Simpson, a licensed psychologist practicing from Christian perspective, stated in his article "MOM & DAD, ARE YOU BLOCKING EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION?", that, there are a number of blocks to effective communication we must overcome.

ADVICE: Advice is best used when it is asked for and after showing understanding of the person. In fact, most people will not ask for advice if they do not feel understood. Many of us assume that when a person shares feelings, we are being asked for advice and that telling people what they need to do is the primary goal of the encounter. This is rarely the case and rarely what the other person needs.

CRITICISM/JUDGMENT: Criticism and judgment come from strong emotion that we are not managing effectively. Ask yourself what happens if you feel criticized by someone else. Defenses usually go up and openness to the information goes down.

USE OF ABSOLUTE WORDS: Words such as “never” and “always” exaggerate inflamed emotions. Absolute words often hide the truth since rarely is it the case that something ever happens or always happens. It is much better to say “frequently I feel ignored” rather than “you never listen to me.”

TWENTY QUESTIONS: Some people confronted with an issue ask one question after another, trying to get to the facts or uncover who is to blame. This strategy does not work well and should be avoided. A question or two that follows the acknowledgment of the person’s emotion in order to sincerely try to understand is the best strategy. “You must be really upset with Mrs. Johnson, your Sunday School Teacher. What sort of thing happened today?” would be a well-placed question after the acceptance of the emotion.

TALKING TOO MUCH ABOUT OURSELVES: Often when someone shares something in a conversation, the other person says something like “Oh yeah, I felt that way back in 1990” and they tell you their experience. Taking the attention off the other person and drawing it onto us is a communication stoper if it is done right after an initial sharing.

USING “YOU” STATEMENTS: Starting a sentence with “you” unless it is said I an empathetic way like “you must really feel sad” tends to be a blame and marshals defensiveness. Avoid “you” statements and be sure you use “I feel” statements. These “I” statements are not selfish but offer information rather than blame.

BODY LANGUAGE: A closed or disinterested posture can communicate far more than one realizes. Be sure when you are listening or responding to someone that you square your shoulders to him and give him reasonable eye contact. Researchers say that far more is communicated through intonation and body language than through the actual words themselves.

MIND READING AND PLAYING PSYCHOLOGIST: It is important to think about why people say and feel what they do, but it is usually unwise to make interpretations of motive early in the conversation. “You’re just saying that to get back at me” or “You’ve been angry at men ever sine your dad left your mother” could possibly be true statements, but quite ineffective at communicating.

DEFENSIVE REACTIONS: The fear of failure and the natural tendency to blame others keeps us pursuing not the truth but what tickles our ears and pleases us. Often we just don’t want to face ourselves and this destroys ongoing communication when we need to face something.

“WHEN I WAS A KID, I WALKED 5 MILES THROUGH THE SNOW” STORIES: Every generation relates from their own perspective and explaining how it was in your generation will not necessarily solve a problem for this generation.

Take time now to commit to changing one thing in your communication to make it more person- oriented and less problem oriented. Tell someone in the family what you are working on and ask him/her to watch for changes. Mutual accountability will help you back up the desire to change. And besides, you need someone to cheer for you when you say it right.